Episode Three. In which we discuss the X Factor final.

I’ve never watched the X Factor before.  Well, obviously I’ve watched the audition stages, because they’re just funny.  And I once saw a bloke I was at uni with giving Simon backchat.

Why have you stopped singing?

I sensed that you weren’t paying attention.

But I’ve never watched the live shows, because, to be honest, I really don’t care.  They all just try so damned hard, and want it so damned badly, and I find it so very unattractive.

For some reason I’ve watched it this year.  I suppose it was probably more habit than anything else, there’s been nothing else on telly this year, and it follows on smoothly from Harry Hill’s TV Burp.

Last night was the final, and I must admit that, entertaining as it was, I was far more entertained by Heidi Stephens’ liveblog (try to count the corks as she works her way through the wine cellar).  Wherever it doesn’t express my thoughts exactly, it expresses what my thoughts would be if I was paying closer attention.

As you may or may not know, the winner was (scroll down if you don’t care) Alexandra.

This was after Alexandra’s duet with Beyonce (in which she was thoroughly shown up as an amateur, lovely as her voice may be), Eoggan’s duet with Boyzone (in which Stephen Gately looked like he’d had a transfusion of concentrated gay especially for the occasion) and JLS’s duet with Westlife (in which the Westlifer who took the lead sang the socks off of little JLS Blue).

Now.  JLS.  I have one problem with JLS.  And that is this.  They have one too many members.  For the following reasons.

  1. JLS is three letters.  The band has four members.
  2. Each member has a signature colour.  Red, Blue, Yellow and Green.  Spot the odd one out.

Basically, one of them’s got to go.  I’m not saying they have to throw him out, but I’m pretty sure there will be a Robbie Williams / Bryan McFadden / John Lennon moment sooner or later.  And who’s going to get booted?

It won’t be JLS Blue, because he’s the lead singer, the cute little housewife’s favourite.

It won’t be JLS Red, because he’s a good lad who looks after his sick mother.

It won’t be JLS Yellow, who dresses like the Hef at every opportunity, and yet looks the most like a pop star.

Poor JLS Green.  He was always a secondary colour, he never quite fitted in.  He might launch a solo career, but who knows how that’ll go.  After all, he’s no Bryan McFadden.

Anyway, Alexandra will be releasing Hallelujah (originally sung by Leonard Cohen, and the only song that I quite liked when sung by Diana Vickers with her stupid hand in the later audition stages) as a Christmas single.  Assuming she doesn’t die of the asthma attack she appeared to be suffering when she was announced as the winner.  She’s sure to go straight to Number One.  Because, let’s face it, anyone who has the money to spend on those phonelines (or the powers of persuasion to get their parents to let them call those phonelines) is going to rush straight out or straight to iTunes to shell out for the single as well.

When JLS were asked how they felt, having failed to win the X Factor (god, you bunch of failures), I was really hoping someone would say they were “feeling a little Blue”.  I think that would’ve perked him right up.

JLS are bound to be successful anyway, they seem to be very popular already.  Best of luck to them.  I just hope JLS Green gets unemployment insurance on his mortgage.


My Sundays fit into a pretty tidy routine.  I sleep late (while My Man gets up early and watches whatever’s on the V+ box that he wouldn’t dream of making me sit through), when I do get up we watch some neutral TV (drinking lots of cups of tea), and I make us bacon and eggs, or poached eggs on toast.  My Man goes out for Sunday Lunch (which is liquid) and I watch whatever’s on the V+ box that I wouldn’t dream of making him sit through.  Then we spend the rest of the afternoon watching TV and/or sleeping, make ourselves something lovely for dinner, and watch more TV until bedtime.  For this reason, most of my Sunday posts are likely to focus on something that happened on Saturday.  Just so you know.

Diabetic moment of the day

I just caught the cat playing with one of my lancets.  Well, not so much playing with it, as crouched over it at the bottom of the bed, staring at it.  It had its little lid on, he wasn’t in danger of getting stabbed, and it’s really not the sort of thing he’d eat, a little green plastic tube, so I can only assume he stood on it or something and wanted to know what it was that got in his way.


2 Responses to “Episode Three. In which we discuss the X Factor final.”

  1. i’m off to the pub.

  2. Sunday lunch.

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