Episode 29. In which I tell you a series of random, unrelated incidents from my childhood.

  • When I was little, I was a lovely little girl, and when we got sweets I would share them.  Within reason, of course, I’m not weird, but I’d offer one to my mum of course.  Whenever we got Smarties, mum would always have the orange ones.  I didn’t mind, because all Smarties are the same, right?  Wrong.  The orange ones are orange-flavoured.  That is to say, chocolate orange flavoured.  Which is the best flavour of chocolate there is.  Because red and blue and brown and yellow and green all tasted like normal chocolate, it never crossed my mind that the orange ones tasted different.  And it wasn’t until I was in my late teens that I realised that I found out.  I’m not saying my mum cheated me out of a childhood experience.  I’m just saying if you share your stuff with people, they’ll take the best stuff.
  • Where I grew up we had a lot of snow.  Every single year there would be at least one week when the schools were closed because of the snow.  My schools (primary and secondary) had quite a lot of people in them from the glens behind my hometown, and they would get cut off quickly, and so the kids that got buses would get to go home really early.  Eventually they’d have to send the rest of us home too.  One time they shut the school and about ten minutes later my little sister got home.  A little while later, my big brother got home.  Half an hour later, I still wasn’t home.  There was a bit of a panic, and one of my parents (I forget which) walked up to the school to see if I was anywhere along the way.  They found me in the little car park directly opposite the primary school, walking backwards, in little circles, reading my book.  I was probably about seven.  I like books.
  • I was a huge New Kids On The Block fan.  I hated Take That, cos let’s face it, they’re no NKOTB.  I knew all the words to the songs, and all the words to the raps in the songs, and when me and my friends sang in the playground, I’d be Donnie.
  • I started playing the viola when I was about six, and tried to quit at least five times but was too scared of my teacher.  The last orchestra I played with was the Tayside Symphony Orchestra in 2004, so clearly fear is a great educational tool.  I own a viola to this day, although she hasn’t been out of her case in about four years, and I will surely go to hell for the waste of her.
  • I distinctly remember being too young to stay up for Brookside, and having to go to bed as soon as the theme music started at the start, and then being old enough for Brookside and not having to go to bed until the theme music finished at the end.
  • I had my first communion a year older than I probably should’ve, because I stayed back to do it at the same time as my sister.  During the preparation stages our priest (who was quite new at the time) was a bit of a dick, and he said that if I got it wrong he’d crucify me.  I laughed cos I thought it was a pretty funny concept (think about it) and he glared at me.  That may have been the first time I genuinely didn’t care that an authority figure didn’t like me, cos I didn’t like him first.
  • I have read all the Asterix books and most of TinTin, because I grew out of the rest of the local library catalogue very quickly.  I also read about ten of Stephen King’s books before I was 12, at which point I decided they were all the same and I haven’t bothered to read another since.  Except The Stand.  Obviously.
  • One day, in Carnoustie, a strange girl in the park threw a brick at me.

Diabetic moment of the day

I can’t eat orange Smarties any more.  Isn’t that enough for you people?


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