Episode 82. In which I make up the words.

I like to sing, although I really do sound abysmal, and I also like to make up the words as I go along.  Don’t get me wrong, I know the lyrics to a lot of songs – this was once explained to me as the reason I made a great ‘fag hag’ (the one and only time I’ve ever been called that, but I cherish it).  It’s just that I have a highly developed sence of the ridiculous and singing whatever pops into your head will often uncover moments of genius that you might otherwise have decided to keep to yourself.

There are several tunes that I mess with on a daily basis, these are staples, like potatoes and baked beans.  One of my main targets is the theme tune to Spiderman.  The original one, that went with the original cartoon.  For the most part, I use this tune as the starting point to make up songs about my cat, Henry.

The first song I remember making up about Henry went as follows.  To the tune of Spiderman, remember;

Garlic cat
Garlic cat
Does whatever a garlic cat does

Does he stink?
Yes he does
No he doesn’t
Yes he does

What appears to be random, mindless bullying is, in fact, based in truth, and features a complex emotional struggle.  Henry ahd just been caught up on the coffee table finishing off the remnants of my chicken kiev.  My chicken kiev with garlic butter.  I warned him he would stink of garlic, and then I put the sentiment into verse.  I immediately felt guilty about saying he stank, so I issued a denial, and gave him a little cuddle to apologise.  At which point it became clear that he did, in fact, stink of garlic, and so I repeated my original assertion.

Later sections of the song tend to be meaner still, a typical verse going as follows;

In the dead of night
He will cover you in fluff
He will hog the bed
And he’ll e-bay all your stuff

The other staple of our song-writing repertoire (because you’d better believe My Man’s got a piece of the action) is Nina Simone – Ain’t Got No.  This song plays a very important role in our day.  We sing it every morning as we’re leaving for work.  Here’s an example to give you an idea;

Got my keys
Got my phone
Got my lunch
Got my book
Got my purse
Got my scarf
Got my gloves
I’ve got my brolly

One morning recently we forgot to sing our morning song.  We left the house without lots of things we needed.  We have clearly come to rely on it.

I was recently dozing on the train and became aware of the fact that my brain was making up a song without telling me.  I tried to remember it but it slipped away, and all I remembered was the last line;

You’re all fluffy, and your hair smells like shit

Oh, how I wish I could remember the rest of that song.

There are songs I don’t know the words to.  This is likely to be because I haven’t heard them a lot, so it doesn’t bother me, but once in a while I hear a song I half know and in attempting to sing along I will fill in the gaps.  One of my favourites examples of this, and one that is currently stuck in my head (since a man who could’ve passed for David Bowie’s brother sat opposite me on the train home yesterday), is this.  Having looked it up, I know now that the real line is;

Here am I sitting in a tin can.

What I sing is this.

Why am I sitting in a binbag?

Diabetic moment of the day

Today I bought a huge pile of chocolate.  For personal reasons.


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