Archive for the Internet Category

Episode 119. In which I discuss, in brief, the effects of Christmas on the internet

Posted in Christmas, Internet on December 14, 2010 by diabetses

The other day I went onto a website which is for customers of a particular system we use at work, I logged in and went looking for instructions on how to change one little aspect of the webview, because I am Systems Librarian and that’s my job.

This website is difficult to use. All the information is in documents that are downloadable from the website, but the documents aren’t searchable from the website. They must have hundreds of documents on there, and the only way to find the right document is to know the title and to know which section of the website they’ve put it under. This from a company who has decided on their own definition of the word ‘keyword’ that doesn’t match any definition I’ve ever heard.

I was hunting around, trying to find the document with the information I needed, from amongst all the pages full of documents, and one I clicked on, almost at random at this point because everything that was remotely logical had failed, the page loaded up and what should appear but snowflakes.  Snowflakes falling down the page from the toolbar ‘sky’.

A SNOWFLAKES ANIMATION.

At this point my reaction was along the lines of OH GOD SNOWFLAKES WHERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS I AM TRYING TO WORK HERE HOW DO I CHANGE THE WELCOME PAGE OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A TINY LITTLE THING WHY IS IT NOT ANYWHERE ON THIS WEBSITE AND WHY ARE THERE SNOWFLAKES INSTEAD?

(insert a few obscenities in there at random, you can’t go far wrong)
Please, internet, don’t do pretty pretty Christmas motifs unless you’re fairly confident your website users aren’t already tearing their hair out when they find them.

Diabetes moment of the day

Well, so far my diabetes moment has been that I had lemon curd on toast. This is cheating, cos lemon curd has sugar by the truckload. But lemon curd tastes nice, so there.

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Episode 111. In which I tell you all my Favourite Quotes as they appear on Facebook, and explain what they’re all about.

Posted in Internet, people, Uncategorized with tags on August 29, 2009 by diabetses

I do like quotes.  I’ll hear something that someone says and it makes me chuckle, so I try to remember it and put it in my facebook Favourite Quotes, so that I don’t forget them.  The ones that are there as of today are the following.

  • When in doubt, use jazz hands

This is just a very good motto to live by.  Of course, you have to make the choice between jazz hands and spirit fingers.  But once you’ve made your decision, stick with it, and it’ll all come good.  Please keep in mind that if you don’t do the accompanying showbiz face then your jazz hands and your spirit fingers will mean nothing at all.

  • You’re so ETHNIC

Everyone lets their heritage show sometimes, be it through vocabulary, actions or reactions.  The best thing to do when this happens is inform them of it, just so they’re aware.  Also, it promotes pride in ones roots.  Be ethnic.  Be proud.

  • Get your gay on

We all need to get our gay on from time to time.  If you need to click your fingers in a Z shape in mid-air whilst wiggling your head on your neck in a similar fashion, do it.  If you need to camp it up to accentuate your innuendo, go for it.  If you need to be with someone of the same gender as yourself to be happy, get your gay on.  All the way on.

  • A lovely dream, all about the Times Law Reports

We can’t control our dreams.  Sometimes we can nudge them in a particular direction, like if a gang of scary biker mutants is chasing you and your legs won’t move so you jump up and fly away instead (to chuck in a bit of personal information there).  Every so often you’ll dream something work-related, and that’s not cool, but just make the most of it.

  • Christ, he’s only Jesus, he’s not Paul Daniels

My little sister and I have this ongoing conversation whereby sometimes Jesus borrows my mobile to text my sister and let her know he still wants her for a sunbeam.  At one point I was explaining this to a friend, and she expressed surprise that Jesus needed to borrow a mobile, she thought he could probably just make a text message appear on my sister’s phone just like that.  Fancy thinking Jesus did magic.  Christ, I said, he’s only Jesus, he’s not Paul Daniels.

  • Rainbows and kittens and meat on a stick

I have very little recollection as to where this phrase came from.  I think it was from a friend, a list of her favourite things.  Way better than that “raindrops on windows and whiskers on kittens” or whatever that other crap was.

  • In your face, diabetic

Unfortunately for me, this is becoming more of a catchphrase than a quote.  Basically, every time something yummy is consumed that I am not allowed to eat, my good friend the expatter is all up in my grill with “in your face, diabetic”.

  • They make hot dogs out of parsnips

When the expatter came to visit me in Brighton, for the first time I think, we went to a vegetarian pub for lunch.  5olly and dotmund chose to go to a ‘normal’ pub instead, and this phrase was one of several texted to us in what was presumably a show of superiority.  The expatter’s answer was “yeah, well, in your place they make parsnips out of hot dogs”.  Which makes every bit as much sense as the first version.

  • Of course I don’t like him, he ate his wife!

This statement was made by me, it is totally not true, it is a horrible thing to say, but I said it, and the sentence makes me laugh.  The man in question did not, in fact, eat his wife, and he does not carry her fingers round in a little bag for snacks.  It’s all fictional.  The product of my diseased mind.

  • Does he stink?  Yes he does.  No he doesn’t.  Yes he does

This should be sung to the tune of the Spiderman theme tune.  From the cartoon, not the movies.  It’s a good tune to use when you’re making up songs, as I do fairly often.  This one was sung to our cat, Henry.  I said he stank.  Then I thought that was mean, so I took it back.  Then I realised that as mean as it was, it was true, so I restated the fact.  That is all.

  • It’s granola, it’s not a fucking souffle

I like homemade granola.  At one point I was making some and I wasn’t sure if it was done, so I went to check on it.  5olly told me to be careful, maybe I shouldn’t open the oven before it’s ready.  As I said, it’s granola, not a fucking souffle.

  • I always get Eels and Elbows mixed up

The bands, he meant.

  • Mr: “I like the Kings of Leon, I couldn’t say why though”
    Me: “I couldn’t either”

This is self-explanatory.  I wouldn’t know the Kings of Leon if I fell over them, but I couldn’t resist a little dig.  It’s my way.

  • Me: “Why are we watching this?”
    Mr: “It’s either this or Extreme Fishing with Robson Green”

Sometimes all your choices suck.

  • Monster Jam! It’s like strawberry jam! BUT BIGGER!!!

He likes Monster Jam.  Me?  Not so much.

  • 6. What did you have for breakfast?
    Drugs in a bowl with milk and sugar.

This was someone’s answer to one of those stupid facebook quizzes.  I like it, though.

Diabetic Moment of the Day

Not today, not a lot, I feel weird, I feel like I used to feel when I was about 20 and had a hangover, which is not pleasant but not the worst I’ve ever felt, and yet given that I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since I had one bottle of San Miguel with dinner about two weeks ago, it’s Freaking Me Out.

Episode 102. In which stop spamming me

Posted in Internet, people with tags , , , , , , on March 23, 2009 by diabetses

It seems like every day now I’m deleting comments from my spam queue.  Don’t get me wrong, I love comments on my blog, especially from people I know (handbag suggestions very welcome) but strangers are very welcome too.  But there’s always something in my spam queue.

The WordPress spam queue is pretty much perfect to be honest, I don’t think anything’s been caught by the filter that hasn’t actually been spam.  I just don’t understand, really, what it’s all about.  I assume there’s some kind of automated nonsense that just finds my blog and the random bullshit just appears there.  But if you’re advertising diets, or knitting, or whatever, I’m not interested.

Just leave me alone, spamface.

Diabetic moment of the day

I want marmalade on toast.  I didn’t have any, though.  That would be cheating.

Episode 96. In which it hurts.

Posted in general health, inanimate objects, Internet with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by diabetses

Two things.

Firstly, I did blog yesterday, I wrote a great blog about dragons, but for some reason it didn’t publish, it just saved as a draft, so I have published it now.  This is not my fault, stupid computers.

Secondly, my head hurts, I have an agonising, squeezing, squinting headache, so I am going to go to bed now.  Enjoy the dragons.

Diabetic moment of the day

Still no word from the nurse, I think she hates me.  Also, I just found out from a friend that the iPhone OS 3.0 will have some kind of widget to record blood sugar readings, and will have some kind of carb counter widget too.  I would very much like to have access to this, so please buy me an iPhone with the OS 3.0.  Thank you.

Episode 94. In which it just goes to show you can’t be too careful!

Posted in Internet, people, rant, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2009 by diabetses

I read David Mitchell’s Observer column every week.  I watch Peep Show and, when I catch it, That Mitchell and Webb Look, I watch Mock The Week and QI and several other panel slows that Mr Mitchell appears on fairly regularly.

I can’t help it, I find the guy hilarious.  And by that I mean, I am a massive, massive fan.  Well, you know, I don’t write him letters in several different colours of ink, I don’t follow him round the country when he’s doing live shows, I don’t hang around outside studios hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but if I’m flicking through the TV Guide and I see his name, I’m going to watch whatever he’s in.

The thing is, the guy rants.  Not like a mentalist, just like as if he is genuinely astounded at the stupidity of some of what he comes across.  And maybe he gets a little bit het up about stuff.  But what I like the most is that his tolerance levels are pretty much the same as mine.  He is so much funnier than me, more eloquent than me, and better informed than me, but when he gets started I’m sitting at home giggling and going “YEAH!  YEAH!” at the screen.

Today’s column included a bit about how horrible people are about him on the internet.  And how, during moments of what he calls “drunken self-googling”, he finds some of the awful things people say about him, and, understandably, it’s hard to let them go.  Now, I’m not assuming he’s going to read this, but you never know.  If he does I’m sure it won’t mean anthing because the internet’s got just as many sycophants as haters (I hate myself for using that word but I can’t think of a better one, and I mean it in “people who hate people” way rather than the “you iz such a hater” way).  But anyway, he made a suggestion that I like the sound of.

A friend of Mr Mitchell has suggested that, wherever one might usually find comments that will end up on spEak You’re bRanes (see the links to the right there, just over there, see it?), we all post the phrase, “It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!”  Now I try not to comment on columns and blogs and things and really the internet in general.  I read David Mitchell’s column, and Charlie Brooker’s column, and Jeremy Clarkson and Dom Joly’s columns, through my RSS reader.  This is mostly because if I read the comments people leave on the pages themselves I get all ranty about how stupid they are.   My Man has specifically requested that I not read the comments any more, because he’s the poor bastard that has to listen to me point out the obvious.  Even if I don’t agree with what the columnist’s said, even if I’ve had a little rant about it myself, I reserve the right to feel massively superior to whatever twat thinks their half-arsed, illiterate sentiments are worth committing to cyberspace.

I freely admit I did once comment on Charlie Brooker’s column.  It was the one about finding a wife so that he could raise a little Sawney Bean style family in the borders, or in the mountains or something.  He commented (and it’s been a while so I may get this a bit wrong but go with me) that his favourite wife would be in charge of skinning passing tourists and making biltong out of them, whilst the rest of the family will be in charge of making signs telling everyone to stay the hell away from his land.  I felt the need to point out that if Sawney Bean had put signs up telling everyone to fuck off, his little cannibal family would’ve gone pretty hungry.  Sometimes these things pop into my head.  I realise it doesn’t matter, and wasn’t interesting, but if I had made such a glaring miscalculation in my plans for world cannibalisation, I’d probably be grateful if it was pointed out to me before I was resigned to vegetarianism.  God forbid.

Anyway, to the people who post the word “First” as if that means anything to anyone other than the rest of the morons who stayed up hitting refresh in the hope of being the first to say it; that makes you a cock.  Worse still, a cock who is doing nothing more than drawing everyone’s attention to the fact that you’ve got nothing to say, and haven’t even read the column you’re commenting on yet.

Diabetic moment of the day

Still can’t get stable.  Damnit.  I’m not even drinking juice any more, I’m drinking tea and water and diet coke, and I’m certainly not eating jelly babies and dolly mixtures (and oh my god do I want to eat some jelly babies and dolly mixtures).  I know it’s not my fault, it’s science, but still.  I used to be really good at this diabetes thing, and right now I’m shit at it.

Episode 78. In which I put on my biker boots and kick a man in the ankles.

Posted in Internet, people, rant with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2009 by diabetses

The above is a falsehood.  For one thing, I was already wearing my biker boots, I didn’t have to go and put them on.  For another, I didn’t actually kick him in the ankles, because he moved out of my way at the last minute.  And finally, the above implies I made an effort to kick him in the ankles when, in reality, if he’d got himself kicked in the ankles it would’ve been by accident.  With perhaps a tiny element of me not making use of my superhuman ninja speed when he stopped dead in front of me in the middle of a crowded train station leaving me nowhere to swerve to.

I read something today about a girl who wrote something on facebook about how her job was boring, and got sacked for it.  I happen to consider this ridiculous.  If anyone doesn’t consider their job boring from time to time then they’re not doing it right.  Everything gets boring eventually.  This was a 16 year old girl who, funnily enough, needed a bit more than three weeks of her first job to learn the rules of what you just put up with because it’s paying your rent.

That said, I do love my job, and feel very lucky to have it.

Diabetic moment of the day

Today I forgot to bring needles to work.  So I was very careful about what I ate and didn’t need any insulin anyway.  I’m starving, though.